Its not only me!!!!!

22 Aug

Yesterday I had a serious panic attack, to say i was freaking out is to put it mildly. It started with missing a phone call from jail, one that is pivital to my case. i left my house for three fucken minutes to go to the store to get smokes and given the fact that the person is a political prisoner and its hard them to contact me, and I have less then a month before my preliminary hearing, and no way i can get a visit before that, tis was devastating. I then went to the meeting for the injured workers thinking that they weren’t going to call and i missed it again. Then i found out I have to go back to Toronto tomorrow, only to come back to KW on friday to go back on monday. Given the fact that I am defending myself every penny i get goes to legal expenses or transportation and I am totally broke and have no way to get there, i also get to Aurelia to serve the top brass of the OPP subpoenas so they can be called as witnesses, and have no way to know when they will be in there office etc.

Given all the shit that has been going on I have had no time at all to just chill or even have coffee with my friends. When i do hang out with people due to the stress, and physical pain because I have been neglecting my health, i am not always the most pleasant company. So my personal life is in disarray.

Most of the people i organize with are now in jail or up on serious charges so a lot of the everyday stuff now falls on me and the cops are watching me like hawks. i cant even distribute papers without a cop coming up and hassling me, waiting for me to fuck up so they can throw me in jail.

To top it all off our carefully selected coalition to Free Price and end internment has decided that now is the time to engage in infighting, back out and be sectarian. Of course i expected this sort of behaviour for the local amnesty cause they didn’t even support Nelson Mandela, but not from some of the others.

So looking at all of this and trying to figure out what to do esp. with so many deadlines looming i started freaking out. Now before I started writing I worked as a program director for an indigenous drop in the arctic and before that doing work around addiction, mental health etc. So with that comes training to recognise symptoms etc. So i knew I was having a panic attack, i knew why and theoretically how to deal with it, but knowledge is not necessarily power esp when its you that you are analyzing. My heart was racing, my vein in my head was pounding and my bp was 160 over 90, which is really high. i have a prescription for benzodiazapham which i take when i have court or other such things the night before for sleep due to chronic pain, since i am really scared of the side effects of pharmaceuticals, so i took ten milligrams, 15 minutes later nothing was happening, talked to some friends on line, tried to calm myself etc. but it wasnt working. I called my doctor at home from a friend’s phone told him the situation, and he said to take another one and if im not better call him back or go to emerge. I got on facebook and was msging someone back and forth, freaking out and they talked me through it. We even deep breathed together on the internet.

After when i got over it and the benzos were kicking in, i talked to a comrade of mine who has done over 20 years for political action and has been like a parent to me since my moms death and they told me that the only way to defeat the system was to remember what we are fighting for, the love for the people and love for ourselves and environment and look for strength inside.

I woke up, glad i have solid friends but in a hurry to go to a meeting about austerity , and the neoliberal agenda imposed vis a vis the Liberal Tory nepotistic deal. hearing the social planning council, injured workers, homeless, labour and other forces under attack it became clear to me that what I was experiencing didnt apply only to me but rather the whole society. The state is using shock and awe tactics to push their agenda of austerity and criminalization of dissent. These attacks are different then before because all segments of the working class are under attack , as opposed to attacking one segment and trying to mobilize infighting by isolating that sector. The purpose of this is have people feel like they as individuals are under attack and not give anyone room to see the bigger picture. By creating this individualized feeling of panic people can’t get together as a society, discuss what is going on and set their own politics, instead they want us to run around like chicken little not knowing how to act.

In short, this attack is not just an attack on the working class but rather an attack on organization, and the way to deal with it is not to see it as the problem of the individual but rather to recognize that it is a problem of all segments of our society and as such, discuss and find out how to intervene.

After the meeting several people approached me to sit, talk plan and show support for my case, as well as to plan how to deal with this offensive, through this discussion with pastors and other i realized that even though the charges im facing are directed at me, im not alone, i have organization behind me and in unity with others i will discuss, analyze, fight and win!!!!

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