The last months of my moms life

5 Sep

I have been accused by comrades of suffering from bourgoise sentimentalism, I will try to keep this post as free from emotionalism as possible despite the fact that this is a heavy topic. As well, it may be missing some events due to the fact that this period of time in my life alot was going on, and i am focusing on events which she was a part of.

As soon as I got released on bail the first thing I wanted was a fucken ciggerrette. Given the fact that most of us were premtavly arrested and were seggregated against our wishes from the rest of the prison population and housed only with those like us, there was no tabbacoo on the range and all I wanted was a smoke. I go outside and give my mom a hug, and she says comrade f. will come to pick us up in ten minutes and L. brought you these marlboros your favorite ciggerrettes and a pepsi. Then my moms says since you have been without a ciggerrette for so long how about not smoking. I laugh smoking means Im free. i sit on the curb pissed off at the bullshit nature of my charges and the fact that there was an informer around pre g20. i light a ciggerrettee and our ride arrives. Can i smoke, i ask the comrade says yes. I light another ciggerrette even though I just finished one.

We get in the car and my mom says that the crown wanted to take away my pasapport due to the fact Im a flight risk due to the fact that I have friends in N Korea and Cuba. My mom responses that I also have friends in China and have been to all those countries previously when ive been on bail and have always returned. I laugh cause that answer is so like her. I tell the comrade that when i was arrested for throwing choclate milk on stockwell day she wanted to argue that if this was the old country he would have gotten a bullet therefor my son should be free, I also say how at the sentencing she went out and bought everyone choclate milk. Since we had no info about how the saturday went due to the fact that the screws made sure no news got to us Im asking about who is in jail, what happenned etc. We turn on the radio and listen to the fact that there is a solidarity protest going on for those still in jail. im like lets get out of toronto faster, dont want to be breaching any of my conditions, she laughs, Julian running from a protest this is a historical moment. Despite all the joking and stuff I am freaking out not believing that im free and pissed of that so many people are in jail.

I get home and call the people I organize with to set up a minimalist program for our organizations, prison support for our comrades, and to figure out how we are going to run our survival programs, eg. free food, addictions programing, literacy programing etc.

Several days pass, and everyone is scared. The police are still aresting people, special attention being payed to those who are organizors. it has come out that there were more then one informer and despite the fact that we were working on a need to know basis and didnt plan anything illegal we still had these charges, as well the idea of whom i thought being a pig being a pig really burned me. My mom was losing weight because she wasnt eating and it was really obvious that her health was deteriorating quickly, the stress was not helping her.

I was calling the cellphone number of Khalid over and over again because he dispeared and since he said he was from Kenya and had a sick mother at this point in time I still didnt believe he was a fucken pig and was worried about him.

The next day my mom said the police was at my house looking to see if person x was here, my mom despite the fact she was sick still had her sense of humor and told them that she hid person x in there shoe and dont they have anything better to do in a nieghbourhood infested with drugs and crime other then hunting down those who are trying to find solutions to the problems. i wake up a little late and find this out, I start trying to get ahold of them but it was too late, shit was splashed all over the media. Several other people i know are being hunted by police and by now it became obvious that there was not just Khalid, but also Brenda who were pigs, as well this guy who organized for over ten years was turned into an informant.

Before this I was always quiet about lots of things in my personal life and although i worked on a need to know basis in terms of the specifics of actions and am an open organizor, there was lots of shit that i didnt want to make public which had nothing at all to do with the g20 eg. what i think of this person, jokes that i have made that could be twisted, my sex life, promising to take the undercovers hunting etc. Im worried about this shit being made public and how people percieve me since one of the undercovers was a friend of mine. My mom say the best thing I can do is preempt them and make every aspect of my life public, not shying away from anything to show i have nothing to hide and take it head on (which i kinda have been doing with this blog).

I come back from this bail hearing where my lawyer tells me that they had a basket tap on me (meaning any phone or internet that I use they can surveille) and my electronic coresponence has been read between myself and this person only to hear that my mom has been taken to the hospital because of a spleen infarction. i visit her there and she starts talking about finding another surety. She has lost alot of weight because she hasnt been eating and it was there that i asked her if she was ashamed of me because I lost my place and everything and was living with her again.(this exchange can be found in a previous blog) her comment about if she dies she will be sad because as an athiest (which I was at the time) it would really hurt me made me soul search.

She was later released, and I was pissed of because even an idiot could see they have not given her enough pain medication. At this point in time I was due for another surgery and had to be awake because intubation can kill me and has fucked me up every time ive gone under. Since at this point in time i only took my pain medication once in awhile, and i was awake, as well as the fact that they gave me the painmeds IV, i went on this incoherant rant about people getting arrested, my moms health and other shit that was definatly bourgoise sentimentalist. Still my specialist was impressed when I started argueing with him about diffrent meds, dosage and other medical shit (i do like to argue sometimes and love when i can hold my own with a professional, even if its only about a small peice of knowledge that I have).

Given the fact that I had complications from intubation I was told not to smoke for at least a day by nurses. i honered this information by cursing my friends for not coming to get me earlier and listening to the nurse who said i couldnt leave and lit a ciggerrette.

I get home to see my mom sicker, paler and in pain and we keep on talking about changing sureties but there are some obstacles and Im sleeping on the floor now to wake up if i get a call from jail (which i did alt least 4 times a day) or if anything else is happening.

Despite all this our free food and minimalist programs are still running, yet there is discussion which later led to a split to depolitisize our programs so as not to bring down the repression, as well as distancing ourselves from those accussed of militancy, both of which I opposed.

At this point, my moms pain is so severe and she gets so sick that an ambulance is called and shes back in the hospital. I watch her for the first night and she becomes incoherant, which was really scarey. She starts talking about dressing me for school or political charges that I beat years ago. She starts crying that her son is in jail, I try to tell her that Im right here. I take two of my painmeds hoping that what people says is true and that it numbs your psychological pain only to find out that its bullshit. im scared and dont know what to do, luckly my older sister comes and gets a nurse who deals with its. They intubate her for breathing and pump food in her stomache.

I had to go back to the doctter for dealing with my own health and other shit. While im waiting to get a ride from the hospital I call and find out that her heart stopped. I call everyone to try to find a ride to see her before she dies and I get there. My dad asks me to pray the rosary with her, we say three decades and in my head im try to bargain with God, dont let her die and ill stop blaspheming, i wont deny your existance publicly even though in my heart I will think whatever i think. After awhile her vitals get better. She can communicate by pressing buttons on my brothers cellphone.

At this point in time the docters talk about pulling the plug on her despite the fact that she can still communicate and is opposed. To us suicide is a mortal sin, the only obe that is unforgivable and the last thing we want to do is go against her dieing wishes, we are opposed and have serious arguements with the docters who talk about resourse and other bullshit. Still she is worried about finding me another surety.

One of the hardest things to see in your life is to watch someone starve to death and organ after organ shut down. Im scared to look at her because of all the pain it causes me to see her like that and am jelous when a good family friend whose a lawyer comes to reasure her that we can find another surety and tuches her and holds her hand, something I am too scared to do.

Shitt intensifies politicaly as the police intensify the crackdown and seize the shitty laptop that we use to write our communiques, everyone is scared, particularly people who havent been arrested yet but were friends with the undercovers.

The situation worsens and there are so many onbstacles to changing suretys, we start talking about what would happenned to me legally if she dies due to legal meetings health appointments etc. I see less and less of her and though i want to see her more secretly im thinking if I dont see her I could pretend its not happening, which makes me feel guilty and freak out thinking about how she must feel being literally trapped in her body.

The day before she died my little brother went out and bought a futton that she could sleep on when she comes back. i go to see her with my sister and she is going in and out of conciousness, we talk to her and the last thing I said to her, either to make her pay attention and fight or I wanted her to know this was mom, I believe in God , something hrad for someone who has been a Materialist for most of his life to admit. Her heart stops. I first call my firend and break down, then call Waterloo Regional Police to report I am without a surety. Given the fact that I am well knwon to them and have support, they say that if Toronto police wants me they can come and get me, i go to court after the long weekend and change my surety.

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