Another Nightmare i cant forget

24 May

Preamble between 1996 until 2006 i was always i jail or uncharges, most of the onditions were pretty muuuuuch house arrest, non associations and the like and in those day i wouuld liyeally be picked up every week, held on bail released on bullshit conditionsonly to be picked up sortly after, eventually released only to be picked up again. Throughoutthis whole ordeal i only have one conviction.

its five thirty in the morning and the whole house is awakened by my screams, this is not unusually I have quite a few nightmares and those who here me talk in my sleep tell me its about cops etc. The diffrence this time is i totally remember what i was dreaming about. The dream was pretty fucked up and after five ciggerrettes im a little bit more calm.i than god that my sister brought me espressoo coffe from jordon an make two litres light another smoke and start drinking.

i dreamed it was back in the day, and the cop came to my house, grabbed me out of bed, cuffed me, beat me took me to the station ripped off my clothing and asked me to bend over and cough, seeing i was not doing this he grabbed me by the hair, bent me over by punching me the the stomache and i unfortunatky complighed. one of our things was to refuse fingerprinting, since this is part of them making us look like criminalsa so he smashed my hand until my fingers were open, pushed them in the ink got my prints and i was returned to my cell. in court for my ail hereing which would always be remanded the courthouse was not dull of my comrades, but rather my former comrades who were being all critical of the fact that I was taking a political stand, and instead of the solidarity I was use to i was being denounced as an untra lefty. We were shackled on the bus and arrived in A and D in Maplehearst, where the guards, true to real life were assholes, stripsearched me again rain there fingers through my head and as always put me on the most fucked up range, usually with nazis on. As in life i dreamt about the fights, being removed from the range and put in isolation.

This is where the dream becomes a dream in a dream, in isolation i started to dream aout my former comrades stitting outside drinking rum, and pretty much forgetting about me (this has happenned in the past), i dream that those comrades of mine who use to believe the same things as me have become part of the system, and im not talking about getting government jobs or working in a law firm, but rather in there comfort, slowly by making a compromise here and there they have become what we were fighting against, they forgot the reasons for the strugglle and the reality we are fighting to change. the cell door opens and the screws say its time to clean the toilets, they take my head and put it in the toilet and make me lick i refuse so my head gets smashed and my face is full of toilet water …..this happenned to me in real life at quinty…..

i am finally granted bail with a bunch of bullshit conditions that refuse me moblity and associations with many of my friends and comrades. i go out to have my ciggerrette and instead of eing joined by people who support, my comrades are there and we go to the bar and buy rum and cokes my favorite drink. We start talking and the discussion turns into how we should learn out lesson and try to reach some kind of reasonable accomidation with the system. That we can do some much better by working inside and fighting them by there own rules, we should tone down our record, and for some reason Judy Greenwood spears from the green party is there and she is telling us if only we were nicer to the police we wouldnt have these issues (she actually gave this speeach at a mayday conference years ago when most of our comrades were in jail and i just got out with a bunch of bullshit conditions) i look around at my friends and they agree. We get into huge arguements and i wake up screaming waking up the whole house.

A psychiatrist would look at this dream and say it has alot to do with my fear of trial which is coming up in september, i would say they are wrong, i have grown use to the idea that i may get convicted for inditable offenses and unlike last year when i was freaking out i am over that.

My big fear is the political of consiliation that have deeply permiated our movement. former comrades not only justifying the system ut actually calling the judges a neutral party, those who use to chant ultra leftist slogans and are now flocking to the NDP, working for NGO’s and the such and calling it political work. My fear is not being isolated, one only need walk down poor areas in the east end to see that in our areas of work we have solid support. No my fear is those who have forgotten what strugglle is and in a way of making themselves feal better find ways in which to justify there participation in illegal instituions that work to impose there politics of criminalization on my community. im not bashing those who have governent jobs, nor those who have left the movement, we are after all free people, but even if this is the road you chose to take why bash and attack those who have stuck to the principles of open and dirrect confrontation in the streets with a system that brutalizes and attacks us. its hard enough hearing critisms from center leftists and others ut when we hear this shit from our friends, its like a huge brick hits the ottom of your stomache and you feel sick, because these people who at some point have been there with you seem to have not only forgotten, but rather have moved to the side of open condemnation.

Many people say the enemy is Harper and i agree, but if one looks closly the real enemy is priveledge and power with in the movement that allows people to forget who they are and become something they are not.

For myself, as a poor activist I know that my role is to stirr up shit, and i know im not an ideolog who will be remembered like Lenin, Stalin or others, and im fine with that, my fear is that i am fighting for a movement that will end up consiliating and at the end of the day our so called leaders will be part of the instituions of fuckery and me like other poor people will be discarderd, which is fine, as long as what we are fighting for is not so some people can have ngo positions and strengthen the system of fuckery. for myself, as flawed and abrasive as I am I hope to stay true to my principle no matter what.


2 Responses to “Another Nightmare i cant forget”

  1. The Animals May 24, 2013 at 11:55 am #

    Good reality check for those who are on the fence. The Establishment wears us down by taking our rights away in small increments: we give a little here, a little there until we have nothing and we start internalizing our oppressions and policing ourselves. We must take a stand at every step, dig our feet in, an refuse to compromise as the neo-liberals shove their austerity agenda down our throats. FUCK THE SYSTEM! RESIST, REFUSE, REALITATE. REVOLUTION

  2. The Animals May 26, 2013 at 7:35 pm #

    Maybe if the system was designed so that everybody had an opportunity to work instead of mass unemployment, underemployment, part-time and temporary employment, and there were more jobs that paid a living wage instead of 10.25/hr (below the poverty line) and usually with little to no benefits, then maybe less people would need to collect welfare to live. Also, if the government didn’t waste so much money on military expenditures, building prisons, running election campaigns, and losing 3 billion dollars into thin air from the anti-terriorism funds, then maybe the poor would have a little bit of cash left over to fill their bellies. Fuck the system.

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